to the scribble of my pen on paper:
ardent, desperate, hot:
bird caged in barbed wire and wool,
fed ground coffee and coca leaves.
of my other loves:
none as big
none as beautiful, but just as real
between me and sadness,
so that i don’t have to do it myself:
a mediator, a true constant.
you are the paper i write on,
carving words into the thick muscle of heart:
water is thinner than blood.
you are the dream I must have had
before you held me in the night.
you are. you are. you are.
what do i do now that i’ve loved you far too long, far too much? i’m weak, i have no fight left in me. surrounded by this new world in the land of medieval tales and robin hood, i look back to the times i didn’t yet love you and wonder, how the hell did i fall so far, so deep, so unprotected?
and wasn’t you the one meant to save me?
a sandwich always lands butter side down; my loves always land like this: an aeroplane falling head on into a liquid abyss. sink or swim. the choice is yours and i surrender.
with you, i learnt to understand the silence and words dry up on the tip of my tongue.
i had so much to say but all comes down to this: i’m nothing without you. don’t ask me why: i don’t quite know myself.
i’ve decided, i won’t allow words to tear us all apart. and my pain shouldn’t matter. this pain is fleeting. and my heart will be beating into the next millenium, where loves bloom redder than cranberries in the bitter frost.
i said something important to you yesterday. via text. and i don’t know if you picked up on it. so many words get lost in translation from my world to yours.
i don’t believe that every little death brings one closer to life, but i do believe that every little love does.
and i have loved you inconsistently, wrongly asking you to love me as i wish. maybe you can’t love me with all the roses and the cards. maybe my loves are too extravagant for you. maybe i ask too much without the need for such. but i can dream.
and i will dream. in silence.
my dreams will burn and burn.
for three weeks at the very least, i’ll be perfect. and i won’t argue and i won’t bite.
so you can taste the cranberries as they were before the winter, so you can stop and wonder if i’m yours.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, allow, apart, argue, as, ask, asking, beat, before, believe, bite, bitter, bloom, brings, burn, can, cards, closer, cranberries, death, decide, does, dream, every, extravagant, fleeting, from, frost, get, heart, if, important, inconsistently, into, it, know, least, life, little, lost, love, loves, many, matter, maybe, millenium, much, my, need, next, on, one, pain, perfect, picked, prose, red, roses, said, should, silence, something, stop, such, taste, tear, text, than, they, this, three, to, too, translation, up, us, very, via, where, will, winter, wish, with, without, won't, wonder, words, world, wrongly, yesterday, you, yours
How quietly loves pass you by,
Their names – moonless nights
killing postcoital glow.
How gravely love moulds to hate
mixing into the summer air,
uttering their names,
holding onto that fire
a streetcar named desire,
Burning through memories
Ash scattering ash
You stop to breathe.
You’re not alone.
You know I’m here
And this is home.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged air, alone, apathy, ash, breathe, burn, by, desire, drive, every, fast, fire, glow, gravely, hate, here, hit, hold, home, how, is, kill, know, like, love, loves, memories, mix, moon, moulds, name, named, names, night, not, onto, pass, pavement, poems, poetry, postcoital, quietly, scatter, spark, stone, stop, streetcar, summer, their, this, through, to, us, utter, you
what does it feel like to claim and not be claimed?
i used to know.
i remember knowing, living for the memories. and recollections come and go, but it’s been close to never since that was me, claiming the world without giving anything back. and the gold thread of freedom trailed behind me, uscathed, untouched.
now, that thread, ulcerous tail, no longer golden, only appears when there’s a total eclipse of the heart.
it’s my firestarter, the shot signalling a race, a way of loving myself more by loving you less.
and it’s nothing more than a joke – a special effect amidst an action movie; an actress screaming as ketchup flows from her imaginary wounds.
for you have become my all, mi vida, mi corazon.
you have claimed me, like france claims you again.
tonight, tomorrow, for days on end, you leave me here alone. no X, no Y, no admirers, no other loves. i cut those golden threads leaving only one.
my tarnished freedom. my back-up plan.
and i leave myslef vulnerable to you. to claim.
and maybe all i ever wanted was to be claimed, my rebellions just a show so that when the curtain call was done and i was in my dressing room, all alone, taking the make-up off my face, someone, anyone, would walk in and force me to my knees, making me love them without loving me back.
and then, i would know what it was like to love a spy in the house of love.
then, whatever i thought of them would be what the world thought of me and i would feel whatever the world felt after i claimed it.
and none of it would matter, because the world would still be mine.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged action, actress, admirer, again, all, alone, amidst, anyone, anything, appear, back, be, become, behind, call, claim, claimed, claims, close, come, corazon, curtain, cut, days, does, done, dressing, eclipse, effect, end, face, feel, felt, firestarter, flow, force, france, freedom, give, go, gold, golden, heart, here, house, i, imaginary, in, joke, ketchup, knees, know, leave, leaving, less, live, living, longer, love, loves, loving, make, make-up, matter, maybe, me, memories, mine, more, movie, my, myself, never, none, not, nothing, of, off, on, one, only, other, plan, race, rebellions, recollection, remember, room, scream, shot, show, signal, since, someone, special, spy, still, tail, take, tarnished, than, that, them, think, thought, thread, threads, to, tomorrow, tonight, total, trailed, ulcerous, unscathed, untouched, used, vida, vulnerable, walk, want, was, way, what, whatever, when, without, world, would, wounds, x, y, you