we change. why do we do that? tell me truthfully and without needless words.
i spoke to you in a language you did not understand, in hope that your eyes would tell me what your lips couldn’t. in the end, your hands spoke, holding my flesh as if it were a vessel brimming with the very water of life.
i wonder how and why we have come to this river where the past merges with the future and washes over the present. more importantly, how did i leave Y behind with all his unread letters; and how did you find me amongst all the other grains of sand?
i’ve listened to too many sad songs, heard too many excuses and i spoke to Y on friday.
completion.
he came out with a gem when i told him that really, i had never lied to him, never told him i’ll be yours forever. he told me that he never lied either. a lie is something that is said with the intention of deceit. clever boy. pah!
i stick to my two plus two: all my past hurt equals you. and i’m thankful.
and between the lapses in translation i’m convinced that nothing matters but me and you and your hands. they will find me all over again.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, all, amongst, and, behind, between, boy, brimming, came, change, clever, come, completion, convinced, could, deceit, did, do, end, equals, excuses, eyes, find, flesh, forever, friday, future, gem, grains, hands, have, he, heard, him, his, holding, hope, how, hurt, important, intention, language, lapses, leave, letters, lie, lied, life, lips, listened, many, matters, me, merges, more, my, needless, never, not, nothing, other, out, over, pah, past, plus, present, really, river, sad, said, sand, something, songs, spoke, stick, tell, thankful, that, they, this, told, too, translation, truthfully, two, understand, unread, very, vessel, washes, water, we, were, what, where, why, will, with, without, wonder, words, y, you, your, yours
you can have the whole of me in this field:
i pressed my soul into its loins
and beads of sweat still glisten
on the body learning to tango
in the outpour of rain.
i will surrender only here
so take care not to move even a strand of hair
from beneath the tree where i will lay through my whole life,
as if dying prematurely,
for this is home and i forbid you.
a day will come when spring will open me enough
for sun to shine
into the roots of the old cambridge tree
and open up
the rest of me.
—————————————————————-
i’ve been writing this poem for a while now and it feels forever unfinished. maybe that’s just me, always a word out, a syllable in. and then i give up and start something else. at the end of the day, however, i always come back to this. and the oldest tree in cambridge.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged always, back, beads, been, beneath, body, cambridge, can, care, come, day, dying, else, end, enough, even, feels, field, for, forbid, forever, from, give, glisten, hair, have, here, home, in, into, is, lay, learning, life, loins, maybe, me, move, my, not, now, of, old, oldest, only, open, opened, out, outpour, poem, poems, poetry, prematurely, pressed, rain, rest, roots, shine, something, soul, spring, start, still, strand, sun, surrender, sweat, syllable, take, tango, that, the, then, this, through, tree, unfinished, up, when, where, while, whole, will, word, writing, you
it’s funny, this. i started a post on the 19th of october and never finished it. sometimes i do that. sometimes the words are jumbled in all sorts of ways and i just can’t them to make sense.
19th of october: viktor’s birthday. i always wrote a story on that day; my form of celebration. but this one went untold.
sometimes i still think about him and wonder if he made me. sometimes i think he did. victor frankenstein created a monster. but that is no more than a parallel.
“consecration.
when you look back to your childhood and remember the way the priest broke the bread during mass, is there not something in it you cherish? the moment of peace, the silence as the bread is broken. for you and me. for us.
i didn’t know you then. you still don’t know me now. but lets plow on – you reap what you sew.”
i remember my thoughts that day. of S and how not too long ago you were him: longing to stand by my side, waiting forever for the imaginary day where i was yours.
and i reminisced on the act of consecration, the way one would when breaking bread and pouring wine. only not of christ. of S.
and that was that.
and this is no more than a parallel.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, act, ago, all, always, and, back, birthday, bread, break, breaking, bring, broke, broken, but, by, can't, celebration, cherish, childhood, christ, consecration, created, day, did, didn't, during, finish, for, forever, form, frankenstein, funny, he, him, how, imaginary, jumbled, know, lets, long, longing, look, made, make, mass, me, moment, monster, more, my, never, no, not, october, on, one, only, parallel, peace, plow, post, pouring, priest, prose, reap, rememb, remember, reminisced, s, sense, sew, side, silence, somethine, sometimes, sorts, stand, start, still, story, that, the, them, then, there, think, this, thoughts, untold, us, victor, viktor, waiting, was, way, ways, went, were, what, when, where, wine, wonder, words, would, wrote, you, your, yours
your life is blistered
by the setting sun
and dreams we dreamt
as if we were living
for one life only
the jokes we told
today: the ironies of life,
the laughs we laughed
callused by bitter strangeness
adieu
to you
is but a foreign language
to me it’s broken glow stick lighting up the sky
i’ll say goodbye
but not in english
i’ll say goodbye
and it will be forever new.
————————————————–
last weekend i was away with friends. trekking. miles walked under the coldness of october sun with you, with Y and others. according to Y it is over a year since he began life anew with his blonde. i know it isn’t. the day he professes their anniversary is the day i spent crying in his arms. it was the day when i almost begged him for a platonic kiss. it was the day he said “how can it be platonic if we are in love?”
Posted in excerpts
Tagged according, adieu, almost, anew, anniversary, arms, as, away, begged, bitter, blistered, blonde, broken, by, callused, coldness, crying, day, dreams, dreamt, english, foreign, forever, friends, glow, goodbye, his, how, if, in love, ironies, isn't, jokes, kiss, know, language, last, laughed, laughs, life, light, living, love, miles, new, not, now, october, one, only, over, platonic, professes, say, setting, since, sky, spent, stick, strangeness, sun, the, their, to, today, told, trek, under, up, walked, we, weekend, were, with, y, year, you, your
maybe i’m not the girl i thought i was. everyone i love along my way tells me so.
today was one of those days. i blurted out i’m in love with you and, cue the lights, i think i meant it.
it took me by surprise. i never said those words before. to me, they were more foreign than our first kiss, for yes, i loved, but loving is easy. apart from the times when it’s hard.
in love is more than love. it’s a choice.
and it might have been the postcoital slur or a byproduct of nights where sleep is a distant dream undreamt, but i don’t think it was.
so tell me, why is it so difficult to believe that i have found peace at last?
maybe because i’m not so sure i have. when i called my best friend today and told her of the incident, all i heard on the other end of the line were shocked squeals and laughing congratulations.
she told me she was happy for me. she also said she didn’t expect it in a million years.
and i realised i’ve lived two lives all along. one – where i dream of convention and the other, the free, liberated me, – the one with which i face the world.
but words are words. did i mean it and then, what does it mean? are we forever is this the end or the beginning or the pause?
who knows.
i’m tired of being scared. drag me into the deep end. see if i float.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged all, along, apart, because, before, beginning, being, best, blurt, byproduct, choice, congratulations, convention, cue, days, deep, distant, drag, dream, easy, end, expect, face, first, float, foreign, forever, free, friend, from, girl, happy, hard, have, heard, in love, incident, kiss, know, knows, last, laughing, liberated, lights, line, lived, lives, love, loved, loving, maybe, me, mean, meant, might, million, never, nights, not, one, other, our, pause, peace, postcoital, prose, realised, said, scared, see, shocked, sleep, slur, squeals, sure, surprise, tell, than, the, then, they, those, thought, times, tired, today, took, two, was, way, where, which, words, world, years, yes
glittering soot on her eyelashes 