can you tell me, why de ja vu haunts me like a predator stalking its only surviving prey? the de ja vu, embossed with its frenchness. just like you. just like those kisses you plant on my lips, their buds opening in the middle of the darkest nights, as i wake in cold sweat, clammy hands turning on the lights to chase the demons away.
and i realise, that love is french, italian, dominican. but more than that, it’s foreign to all of us. it’s language – mysterious hum in the early-morning air, it’s lands – unbounded by borders, it’s people waking up every morning, just like the rest of us, seductive scent of coffee in their kitchens, shatter of broken cups imprinting its echo on the windows.
and when i think of love, i think of the mess that coffee would make, drops collecting, puddle spreading with every beat of the heart. my mess.
and it doesnt touch you. you’re not really here. not entirely.
and love doesn’t cut you with its broken china or stain your slippers with instant coffee, fresh those marble tiles.
does it touch you at all?
…
it’s been three months now and i’ve nothing to tell me that i’m yours, only a herbarium of those flowers you bought me the day my mother went to the zoo with my little sister in tow.
only a dead plant, in an envelope somewhere, next to Y’s unopened loveletters and the note that X kissed so that a part of him may remain with me forever, or whatever his reasoning was.
and at night, in somebody’s kitchen, in a land far away, my heartbeat keeps the coffee flowing.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged air, all, away, beat, border, bought, broken, bud, buds, can, chase, china, clammy, coffee, cold, collect, cups, cut, darkest, de ja vu, dead, demons, dominican, drop, drops, early, echo, embossed, entirely, envelope, every, far, flowers, flowing, foreign, forever, french, frenchness, fresh, hands, haunt, heart, heartbeat, herbarium, here, him, his, hum, imprint, instant, italian, just, keeps, kiss, kissed, kitchen, kitchens, land, lands, language, letters, light, lights, like, lips, little, love, make, marble, may, me, mess, middle, mither, months, morning, my, mysterious, next, night, note, nothing, now, of, only, open, out, part, people, plant, predator, prey, puddle, realise, really, reasoning, remain, rest, scent, seductive, shatter, sister, slippers, somebody, somewhere, spread, stain, stalk, survive, sweat, tell, that, think, three, tiles, touch, tow, turn, unbounded, unopened, us, wake, wake up, waking, was, went, whatever, window, with, x, y, you, yours, zoo
how did i manage to walk this yellow-brick road and stumble into the emerald city without any sense of realisation? without triumph or glory? without stopping to admire the view?
how is it that i almost can’t remember what my Auntie Em looked like or of how i’ve grown into these ruby slippers, mine by default and no more?
and darling, how comes it none of it matters any more?
my past is past.
i remember i worried that it may not last. that it’ll lose itself in the water of oblivion somewhere in the base of forbidden fountain. but i know now that the cyclone that brought me here will never return. that chasm has been closed off forever as of today.
my citizenship application has been successful and i am ready to see where else this yellow brick leads.
so here i am now, cruising this jade-encrusted city, as the green glass glitters in the pale light of the setting sun.
my toto has run off, or maybe he was never here, but what does it matter? i was always meant to walk these streets alone. and somewhere in the distance i hear the wizard command “close your eyes and tap your heels together three times. and think to yourself, there’s no place like home.”
so i do.
and i remain standing just where i was, the bright lights of london like a disco.
my own private party.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admire, almost, alone, always, any, application, auntie, base, been, brick, bright, brought, can't, chasm, citizenship, city, close, closed, command, cruise, cruising, cyclone, darling, default, did, disco, distance, do, else, em, emerald, encrusted, eyes, forbidden, forever, fountain, glass, glitter, glory, green, grown, has, he, hear, heels, here, home, how, itself, jade, just, know, last, lead, light, lights, like, london, looked, lose, manage, matter, may, maybe, me, meant, mine, more, musings, my, never, no, not, now, oblivion, off, own, pale, party, place, private, ready, realisation, remain, remeber, remember, return, road, ruby, run, see, sense, setting, slippers, so, somewhere, standing, stop, stopping, streets, stumble, successful, sun, tap, there, there's, these, think, this, three, times, today, together, toto, triumph, view, walk, was, water, what, where, will, without, wizard, worried, writing, yellow, your, yourself
as if by reading of my past flawed ways, i am rescusitating them again. and i wish this was nothing more than a metaphor, but as metaphors go, this is a pretty literal one.
and so i’ve gotten myself another admirer.
it wasn’t really a choice, but then again, maybe it was, if only subconsciously. still, the fact remains – somewhere between yesterday and today i’ve gotten myself another admirer. the blond clever boy, the replica of the image of my past perfection.
but that was before you.
and it was all so innocent, this realisation that yes he was interested, that yes he was looking at me.
but even in the realms of innocence, darkness resides. me and him shared this moment today and it was all so goddamn innocent.
but it didn’t feel so innocent at all.
just a momentary smile shared, his presence next to me continuous for two hours, maybe three, but it felt like we segragated ourselves from the rest of the group voluntaily, clawing back privacy.
privacy?
why do i want privacy with him when i’ve got you? why was i toying with you when i had no right to?
when i am yours.
and so it goes.
and what’s worse is, he doesn’t know. doesn’t know about you.
.
sometimes i wonder why i do it all, this inticate web of people cumulating at the heart of me. shareholders in the bank of my love. and it’s all fair: the more you invest, the more you get back, yet logic is not there. flawed reasoning.
flawed.
but you protest so little and allow me so damn much. you’re scared i’ll run and so am i, my love. that’s why i justify my every word, my every action, my every momentary lapse into darkness.
and we both know i’m justifying some sort of betrayal.
but we daren’t say a thing.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, admirer, again, all, back, bank, before, betrayal, between, blond, boy, choice, claw, clever, cumulating, daren't, darkness, doesn't, fact, fair, feel, flaw, flawed, go, goddamn, goes, got, he, heart, hours, image, innocent, interested, intricate, invest, justify, know, like, literal, little, look, looking, love, maybe, me, metaphor, moment, momentary, more, nothing, only, ourselves, past, people, perfection, pretty, privacy, protest, read, reading, realms, remain, replica, rescusitate, right, say, segregate, shared, shareholder, sometimes, somewhere, still, subconsciously, than, them, thing, this, three, today, toy, toying, two, was, ways, web, when, why, wish, wonder, worse, yes, yesterday, you
the cycle remains unbroken
loving words unspoken
as I pass through time, people, lives
unallocated to me,
strangers whose lips aren’t mine to touch,
whose hearts aren’t mine to catch, whose hands remain
firmly out of my grasp, behind the bulletproof glass
of the interrogation room
and all I may do is place a call, seeing a glimpse of their reflection
in the mirrored surface of the looking glass
and
I let them pass
hoping against hope that one day
one stranger will stay.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged and, bulletproof, call, catch, cycle, glass, glimpse, grasp, hands, hearts, hope, hoping, interrogation, lips, lives, looking, love, loving, mine, mirror, mirrored, my, one, out, pass, people, poems, poetry, reflection, remain, room, stay, stranger, strangers, time, touch, unallocated, unbroken, unspoken
glittering soot on her eyelashes 