i’ve realised not long ago how shame has filled the crevices of my life. and yesterday i let it out on you, because in all this time you hadn’t realised.
you bought me presents that i liked, you told me things i longed to hear but deep inside me there was always fear of shame. and now you’re walking streets with me, early in the morning, carrying my cargo of paper and shame. just for today. this burden in not yours nor ever will it be.
and this song’s alive in me and you can hear it, but you will never feel it the way i do.
so hold my hand in yours, my dreams scattered on your palm because i’m a dreamer and dream too much. let this free soul forsake it’s body and fly into the open sky like a red kite soaring amongst the stars.
and i want to tell you you’re closer than you were tonight,
but today we’re further apart.
i’m sorry.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged ago, alive, all, amongst, and, apart, bags, be, because, body, bought, burden, but, can, cargo, carry, closer, crevices, deep, do, dream, dreamer, dreams, early, ever, fear, feel, fill, fly, forsake, free, further, hand, have, hear, hold, how, in, inside, into, just, kite, know, last, let, life, like, long, me, morning, much, my, never, night, nor, not, now, open, out, palm, paper, prose, realise, red, resents, scattered, shame, sky, so, soar, song, sorry, soul, stars, streets, tell, than, the, there, this, time, today, told, too, walk, want, way, were, will, with, words, writing, you, yours
what moved me yesterday was not the explosion after explosion in the sky, nor the coldness enveloping us in a tightly huddled mass of warm bodies. it was the way you looked at me, as if seeing me for the first time. or the last time. and i don’t know how much truth there is in the world, but so long you keep looking at me like that, my heart will long for yours.
yesterday was an annivesary in ways. 7 months, but more than that.
i was with X then, and with Y to an extent, but that night, a year ago, you held my hand in yours, warming it, holding me gently under the fireworks and the stars. a friend and no more, keeping me warm placidly yet wanting me wholly.
now i’m yours solely.
please burn for me still.
this was the poem i wrote for you a year ago. and now you know.
a drizzle of rain warms me up
like your hands on mine, polishing the silver
the ground not yet ready to settle, the sky – to erupt
and we are languishing in the middle
of the broken
reverie
I conceived with someone else
smiling in knowing
you’d carry my life on your shoulders if I let you
bequeathing me your last breath as a parting present
but how could I ever justify your love or lust
as we stand there under the unremitting gaze of stars
almost like an audience awaiting the typical finale
my heart so suddenly awake
wanting to take
all that you offer, grab it in handfuls
frigid hands clasping yours with the ferocity
that would make you bleed and leave crescent shapes
as a memory of my need
living signature of my greed
instead I leave you with a seed
of hope.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged after, ago, all, almost, annivesary, are, at, audience, awaiting, awake, bequathe, bleed, bodies, breath, broken, burn, carry, clasp, coldness, concieve, could, crescent, drizzle, else, envelop, erupt, ever, explosion, extent, ferocity, finale, fireworks, first, for, friend, frigid, gaze, gently, grab, greed, ground, hand, handfuls, hands, heart, held, holding, hope, how, huddle, instead, is, it, justify, keep, know, languishing, last, leave, let, life, like, living, long, look, looking, love, lust, make, mass, me, memory, middle, months, more, move, moved, much, my, need, night, nor, not, now, of, offer, parting, placidly, please, poem, poems, poetry, polishing, present, rain, ready, reverie, seed, seeing, settle, shapes, shoulders, signature, silver, sky, smiling, solely, someone, stand, stars, still, suddenly, take, that, then, there, tightly, time, truth, typical, under, unremitting, up, want, warm, warming, was, way, ways, we, what, wholly, with, world, would, x, y, year, yesterday, yet, you, your, yours
our fifth month together and all i’ve given you for our anniversary is a revelation of my secret admirer and some of the passion in me.
my english boy. the english boy.
have i told you i always searched for that blonde, blue-eyed and tall perfection?
you’re not blonde and he’s not tall. but it’s you that got me sussed.
if this was a myth, you’d be poseidon reigning me in and he’d be a young soldier, soft features made of marzipan. i, i would be a siren, luring with words and laughter, light touch of my fingers on his a cheek, my toes dipping through the waters of your realm.
so now you know.
and he’s got a girlfriend : clever, but not as clever as me; irresistible but easy. and i’m not. well, not the latter.
so hand me his head on a platter.
i’ll serve him up a game that he can’t win.
i just wish you didn’t know.
his anonimity was something sacred, special. one song i left unsung. so i’ll confuse you, make you doubt all i’ve told you. one can never be too safe in grips of love. and my love for you has spilled over the bank. a scarlet flood.
still, i will be a spy in the house of love.
but as a siren.
and both of you will see me and breathe me in. now that you know each other, you will do so together.
and S will join you.
three’s company, two is none.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admirer, all, always, anniversary, anonimity, bank, blonde, blue, both, breathe, can't, cheek, clever, company, confuse, dip, doubt, each, easy, eye, features, fifth, fingers, flood, game, girlfriend, given, grips, hand, head, him, house, i, in, irresistible, join, know, latter, laughter, left, light, love, luring, made, marzipan, me, month, myth, never, none, now, one, other, our, over, passion, perfection, platter, poseidon, prose, realm, reign, revelation, sacred, safe, sailor, scarlet, search, secret, see, serve, siren, soft, some, something, song, special, spilled, spy, still, sussed, tall, that, this, three, through, toes, together, toghether, told, too, touch, two, unsung, waters, will, win, wish, words, would, writing, you, young
so much to do, so little time.
and yet, there’s always time to feel. there must be, else what do we life for? not this sense of helpless continuity, surely?
so i run out of the house to take in the exhaust fumes of the passing cars, i slam the door and run to see you again. as if i hadn’t seen you yesterday.
your kiss reeks of aftershave, just like i want it to. you know. that’s why you drench yourself in it. for me.
and i hold your hand in mine. your skin has tanned over the summer. mine hasn’t. not with this rain. and we are no longer the same shade.
and do you remember how amazed you were at the way the pigments of your skin mirrored those of mine? when the tan washes away, the skin on our hands will be the same colour again. that on our bodies still is.
and i look at your nails. it’s merely an impulse. yes, they are imperfect but you no longer bite them. i put a stop to that.
something about them reminds me of almonds.
we walked the streets and read the paper. daily telegraph. in the library where we had our first kiss. friday the fifth of february. twenty-nine fridays ago.
obesity's pushing NHS over the edge.
tiger woods' ex wife got his millions.
the "mistresses" was not a hit for all.
the headlines were predictable, but with you by my side i oohhed and aahhed.
with you the world’s a different place.
but i’ve come back home now and there’s so much to do, so little time.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged aahh, about, aftershave, again, ago, almonds, always, amazed, away, back, be, bite, bodies, cars, colour, come, continuity, daily, different, do, door, drench, edge, else, exhaust, february, feel, fifth, first, for, friday, fridays, fumes, gold, had, hand, hands, hasn't, headlines, helpless, home, house, how, imperfect, impulse, it, just, kiss, library, little, live, longer, look, me, millions, mine, mirrored, mistresses, much, must, nails, nhs, now, obesity, oohh, out, over, paper, passing, pigments, place, predictable, pushing, rain, read, reek, remember, reminds, run, same, see, sense, shade, side, skin, slam, so, something, still, stop, streets, summer, take, tan, tanned, telegraph, that, them, there, those, tiger, time, to, twenty-nine, walk, want, washes, way, we, were, what, when, why, wife, with, woods, world, writing, yesterday, yet, you, yourself
i think i’ll dream of stars tonight
the ones that set the world alight
and shine upon my window
with a somehow pensive glare
and in that dream, a star will fall,
a blue-green falling star,
a celebration from afar,
and I will wish upon it,
every ember of it
not just a firework,
but milky way of spilt love in your hands,
and i was not yours
but still your hands polished away the cold
for we were young,
and we were bold,
and dreamt of stars that night.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged afar, alight, away, blue, bold, celebration, cold, dream, dreamt, ember, every, fall, falling, firework, from, glare, green, hand, hands, in, just, love, milky way, my, not, one, ones, pensive, poems, poetry, polish, set, shine, somehow, spilt, star, stars, that, the, think, tonight, upon, was, will, window, wish, world, young, your, yours
glittering soot on her eyelashes 