i don’t like things when they get too serious. then all the fun is gone and we are left with feelings that are solidified into blocks of ice no burning passion could ever melt. it’s like having too much of a good thing and trembling over it. we don’t need it and there’s no use to being scared of loneliness. it’s everpresent.
estamos todos solos.
and darling, i don’t want to hear the truth. just laying in your arms, in your pool of warmth, that is enough.
mi corazon, mi corazon
no me digas la verdad.
you say you are fragile. have you seen me falling to pieces like meteorite crashing into the earth’s atmosphere?
you are scared of my abundance. you fell in love with it remeber?
and you tell me not to change, no, you can do whatever you want. i trust you. i don’t doubt it or you but those words of yours replay in my mind and i realise: we’ve both been selfish.
selfish in sharing everything but not enough, in loving too much but sparsely, of showing feeling with ardour but without sparks. we’re guilty, amour. and i know it by the look in your eyes when i mention his name. S. snake in the long green grass.
english boy’s anonimity wavered i don’t care for that pursuit any more. it is dull to talk of him now, but S is good.
we see each other every day.
there is no puns or pokerfaces, just sordid fantasies of everyone involved.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged abundance, amour, anonimity, ardour, atmosphere, being, boy, care, change, corazon, crashing, darling, day, digas, don't, doubt, dull, each, earth's, english, enough, estamos, ever, everpresent, every, everyone, everything, eyes, falling, fantasies, feeling, feelings, fell, fragile, fun, gone, good, grass, green, guilty, having, hear, his, in love, into, involved, it, just, know, left, like, loneliness, long, look, loving, melt, mention, meteorite, mi, mind, more, much, name, need, no, not, of, other, over, passion, pieces, pokerfaces, puns, pursuit, realise, remember, replay, s, say, scared, see, seen, selfish, serious, sharing, showing, snake, solidifi, solos, sordid, sparks, sparsely, talk, there's, thing, things, those, todos, too, trembling, trust, truth, use, verdad, want, wavered, we, whatever, with, without, words, you, your, yours
i think i’ll dream of stars tonight
the ones that set the world alight
and shine upon my window
with a somehow pensive glare
and in that dream, a star will fall,
a blue-green falling star,
a celebration from afar,
and I will wish upon it,
every ember of it
not just a firework,
but milky way of spilt love in your hands,
and i was not yours
but still your hands polished away the cold
for we were young,
and we were bold,
and dreamt of stars that night.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged afar, alight, away, blue, bold, celebration, cold, dream, dreamt, ember, every, fall, falling, firework, from, glare, green, hand, hands, in, just, love, milky way, my, not, one, ones, pensive, poems, poetry, polish, set, shine, somehow, spilt, star, stars, that, the, think, tonight, upon, was, will, window, wish, world, young, your, yours
how did i manage to walk this yellow-brick road and stumble into the emerald city without any sense of realisation? without triumph or glory? without stopping to admire the view?
how is it that i almost can’t remember what my Auntie Em looked like or of how i’ve grown into these ruby slippers, mine by default and no more?
and darling, how comes it none of it matters any more?
my past is past.
i remember i worried that it may not last. that it’ll lose itself in the water of oblivion somewhere in the base of forbidden fountain. but i know now that the cyclone that brought me here will never return. that chasm has been closed off forever as of today.
my citizenship application has been successful and i am ready to see where else this yellow brick leads.
so here i am now, cruising this jade-encrusted city, as the green glass glitters in the pale light of the setting sun.
my toto has run off, or maybe he was never here, but what does it matter? i was always meant to walk these streets alone. and somewhere in the distance i hear the wizard command “close your eyes and tap your heels together three times. and think to yourself, there’s no place like home.”
so i do.
and i remain standing just where i was, the bright lights of london like a disco.
my own private party.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admire, almost, alone, always, any, application, auntie, base, been, brick, bright, brought, can't, chasm, citizenship, city, close, closed, command, cruise, cruising, cyclone, darling, default, did, disco, distance, do, else, em, emerald, encrusted, eyes, forbidden, forever, fountain, glass, glitter, glory, green, grown, has, he, hear, heels, here, home, how, itself, jade, just, know, last, lead, light, lights, like, london, looked, lose, manage, matter, may, maybe, me, meant, mine, more, musings, my, never, no, not, now, oblivion, off, own, pale, party, place, private, ready, realisation, remain, remeber, remember, return, road, ruby, run, see, sense, setting, slippers, so, somewhere, standing, stop, stopping, streets, stumble, successful, sun, tap, there, there's, these, think, this, three, times, today, together, toto, triumph, view, walk, was, water, what, where, will, without, wizard, worried, writing, yellow, your, yourself
and we can’t even fight properly.
have we lost that ability or did we never have it in the first place?
and our mean words are pebbles, small, insignificant; each hit a vague pain somewhere in the nether regions of the heart, but tell me, is our love not strong enough for boulders to be flying, for pain to be immense, almost insufferable?
I want to
lie down somewhere and suffer for love until
it nearly kills me
i want it to take the whole of me. i want to have no mercy and recieve no mercy back.
and every time we fight, sparks fly but the fire never ignites.
and every time we fight, there is no anger, just sadness, scaring us into oblivion with the thoughts of losing each other. the notion of how life would be if we were apart, different people loving us, needing us, prepared to die for us; breaking hearts.
yesterday everyone found out about us.
i didn’t like that and we fought, fear eveloping us like misty green haze of jealousy.
and there was no anger, only wronged love.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged ability, anger, apart, boulders, breaking, can't, didn't, die, different, down, each, enough, evelope, every, everyone, fear, fight, fire, first, fly, fought, found, green, have, haze, heart, hearts, hit, how, ignite, immense, insignificant, insufferable, jealousy, kill, kills, lie, life, like, lose, losing, lost, love, loving, me, mean, mercy, misty, nearly, need, needing, nether, never, not, notion, oblivion, only, other, pain, pebbles, people, place, prepare, prepared, properly, recieve, region, sadness, scare, scaring, somewhere, sparks, strong, suffer, take, tell, that, there, thought, thoughts, time, until, us, vague, want, we, were, whole, words, wronged, yesterday
glittering soot on her eyelashes 