to the scribble of my pen on paper:
ardent, desperate, hot:
bird caged in barbed wire and wool,
fed ground coffee and coca leaves.
of my other loves:
none as big
none as beautiful, but just as real
between me and sadness,
so that i don’t have to do it myself:
a mediator, a true constant.
you are the paper i write on,
carving words into the thick muscle of heart:
water is thinner than blood.
you are the dream I must have had
before you held me in the night.
you are. you are. you are.
he did not recieve the text. good. so we chat. friends, not lovers, that we are: i question him of things and he shares his good news with me. at midnight. not that i didn’t ask him to, but he doesn’t bother informing you. funny?
relieved, i don’t think of the saved blushes and the heat does not rise to my cheeks: it doesn’t need to.
a sigh escapes like a fly through the open window, its wings no longer beating against the cold clear pane of glass.
phone on, i wait to hear a beep. from you or him, it hardly seems to matter.
i sleep lightly as of late, or as of early. since our trio of sleepover nights, it’s been better, but sometimes, i will wake up in the night and think you are with me, curled up on the floor.
no longer an insomniac, i don’t know how to classify myself. i want a tidy name to sum it all up. there isn’t one.
i’m on the edge right now and it’s nothing to do with the pair of you. my future lies within these very moments, encapsulated in the smell of old books and pheromones surging.
i call the number. it is busy. so i call again.
right now, all i care about is that the phone is picked up and they listen to me, if even for a while.
i heard a no. loud and clear, like a dead weight going into cold blue-black water.
deep, guttural sounds of a storm brewing. but the storm is already over. we lay on the deck and count the stars.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged about, again, against, already, are, ask, beat, been, beep, better, black, blue, blushes, books, bother, brewing, busy, call, care, chat, cheeks, classify, clear, cold, count, curled, dead, deck, deep, did, didn't, do, does, don't, early, edge, encapsulated, escape, even, evening, floor, fly, friends, from, funny, future, glass, going, good, guttural, hardly, he, hear, heard, heat, him, his, how, i, informing, insomniac, into, know, late, lay, lies, lightly, like, listen, longer, loud, lovers, matter, me, midnight, moments, morning, my, myself, name, need, news, night, no, not, nothing, now, number, old, on, one, open, our, over, pair, pane, pheromones, phone, picked, question, recieve, relieved, right, rise, saved, seems, shares, sigh, since, sleep, sleepover, smell, so, sounds, stars, strom, sum, surging, text, that, there, these, things, think, through, tidy, to, trio, up, very, wait, wake, want, water, we, weight, while, will, window, wings, with, within, you
it balances out. it always does.
some call it karma. we call it god.
no ifs. no buts. no forevers.
just stop and listen to our song.
yes, any song.
can you hear my voice resonate?
you should know i wouldn’t run to hate
if love’s all i’ve ever known
and this life i’ve sewn
is mine to splash acetone on.
no one will stop me.
no one knows how.
it was such a momentous day today. for the first time ever i touched the heights those older and wiser often talk about. seventh heaven, where flesh trembles, leaving eyes in a haze.
but something had to ruin it all. and maybe you can fight against the darkness, but in any case, you didn’t. they win.
no matter: i don’t need them.
just the memory of today is enough.
and the irony isn’t lost on me.
6 months since my goodbye to X.
well done to me.
Posted in excerpts
Tagged about, acetone, all, always, any, balance, but, call, can, case, darkness, day, didn't, does, done, enough, ever, eyes, fight, first, flesh, for, forever, God, goodbye, had, hate, haze, hear, heaven, heights, how, if, irony, it, just, karma, know, known, leaving, life, listen, lost, love, matter, maybe, me, memory, mine, momentous, months, my, need, no, noone, often, older, on, out, resonate, ruin, run, seventh, sewn, should, since, six, some, something, song, splash, stop, such, talk, they, this, those, time, today, touched, trembles, voice, we, where, win, wiser, yes
if he ever tried to retrace his steps, Y would still be here. there’s only so many lives a man can lead. whilst i lived out my three, not quite a cat but near enough the slinky nine, he could barely grasp onto one.
so here we are again. and he won’t admit that he was wrong to have jilted me at my elusive altar and though i’m not bitter, i still think it should have been me to have waved the first goodbye. i was never the taker for seconds.
now we speak for barely more than seconds.
and we had a conversation today. somehow i manipulated minutes out of him when he claimed to have none. and he wants me to call on a weekend. and he listened to my poetry of loving women and war poets. it’s been a while. but i’ll let him live his life. that one life he holds onto like a raft in a burly sea.
those sort of lives were never meant for me: i like mine long and luscious, like sweltering summer days.
and when i read him my lines, he stopped talking altogether, pondering, wondering, what it was that i meant, knowing it concerned him but not knowing how.
and to think i used to call him mine.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged admit, again, altar, altogether, are, barely, be, bitter, burly, call, can, cat, claim, concern, concerned, conversation, could, days, elusive, first, goodbye, grasp, have, he, here, him, holds, how, jilt, know, knowing, lead, life, like, lines, listen, live, lived, lives, long, loving, luscious, man, manipulated, many, me, meant, mine, minutes, more, near, never, nine, none, not, now, one, only, onto, out, poetry, poets, pondering, prose, quite, raft, read, retrace, sea, seconds, should, slinky, so, somehow, sort, speak, steps, still, stop, summer, sweltering, taker, talk, than, think, those, though, three, today, try, used, wants, war, wave, we, weekend, when, while, women, wondering, wrong, y
have you noticed we always have this thing of bringing up the pain before we part, as if we need that food for thought in seperation?
and late at night, when lights are off, we lay there in deep silence engulfed by other person’s hurt, forgetting ours so well. and every shadow on the wall from passing cars or people we see from our beds is just another memory of me and you and this.
last night i laid there recieving the night like hapless counterpart, ill all day, i was happy to recline back in my bed, my throat like partched white paper, both inside and out. and your voice was like my savior, a ray of sunlight in the realm of the shadows, as i listened to your every syllable over the sleek grey phone, loving and unloving every word.
but one phrase or maybe more snapped a tight elastic around my heart, that forbidden line where the predator in me sleeps, and the rush of blood to the head roused me. containing the beast within me as best as i could, i asked you not to talk about it again. but you did and i snapped outright, a lion roar echoing in the enclosure of my room.
and then i told you the bitter truths.
and then i had to go.
and at midnight, we parted with a soft beep and a stone upon our chests.
in my realm, nightmares followed.
in yours, a silent thought of me.
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged again, all, always, another, around, ask, back, beast, bed, beds, beep, before, best, bitter, blood, both, bring, cars, chest, containing, could, counterpart, day, deep, echo, elastic, enclosure, engulfed, every, food, forbidden, forget, from, grey, hapless, have, head, heart, hurt, ill, inside, laid, last, late, lay, lights, like, line, lion, listen, loving, maybe, me, memory, midnight, more, musings, my, need, night, nightmare, nightmares, noticed, off, one, other, ours, out, outright, pain, paper, parched, part, parted, passing, people, person, phone, phrase, predator, ray, realm, recieving, recline, roar, room, rouse, rush, savious, see, seperation, shadow, shadows, silence, silent, sleeps, snap, soft, stone, sunlight, syllable, talk, thing, this, thought, throat, tight, told, truths, unloving, upon, voice, wall, well, where, white, word, writing, you
the past two days have been all about A: her problems, tears, hopes, dreams and pains.
and that’s ok.
i can understand that.
she wakes me up at two in the morning with her phonecall, but doesn’t listen to what i have to say. she’s angry, she’s upset, but that’s ok. i let that go, even though i end up having only 3 hours of sleep in the end. because she’s hurting.
she makes me meet up with her the next day, on my christmas ( orthodox christian’s christmas is on the seventh of january. don’t asky me why), and has me stay with her the whole day, but doesn’t want to hear my reassurances.
but that’s ok, i understand.
she has me call up her ex, discuss it all with him, try to instill a sense of guilt in him ( for what? for him wanting to be merely friends now that, having dumped him, she wants him back? ) but that’s ok, because she’s my friend.
and i could go on, but i won’t. she hasn’t been the best character in the past two days. but that’s ok. after all, we all have those moments, don’t we?
some of us just deal better with them, rely on others less and aren’t scared of new beginnings.
all she needs is just a little practice…
Posted in chapters of my life
Tagged angry, character, christmas, days, deal, discuss, dreams, ex, friend, frienship, hopes, hurting, listen, meet up, moments, morning, my friend, new beginnings, ok, phonecall, practice, problems, realy, reassurance, scared, sleep, tears, two, understand, upset, whole